loonyblog.

Whoever wins, fans lose.

Yep, I've seen Alien vs. Predator and lived to tell the tale. Read on for the full review, or actually just the fanboi bitchfest it turned out to be (sorry, but I'm a fan...what do you want me to do?).

For some stupid masochistic reason, I'm a fan of several different franchises that seem to be in either indifferent, or downright misguided hands. Some of these are worse than others. I'd say it's much easier to be a Superman fan than say...a Legacy of Kain fan (although let's face it, neither is exactly easy much of the time). But being a fan of the Alien franchise? That's downright impossible. Because no matter how cool the first two movies were, the subsequent movies were so poorly handled (admittedly for different reasons each) that they seemed to be punishing fans. But I am indeed a fan, and I have the nine-disc DVD uberset to prove it (not to mention a huge collection of comics, toys, games and other ancillary junk).

So yes, I'm a fan of the Alien series. And I guess you could probably call me a fan of Predator too, since while 50% of those movies sucked, the same ratio holds for the Alien movies. Corny and overly macho as it may be, I think the original Predator is a classic of pure action cinema. It's no Terminator, but it's a really cleverly made film nonetheless. Predator 2 on the other hand, is one of the worst sequels ever made, and no matter how awesome it was when I spotted the alien head at the end of the film in the Predator's ship, the movie was just bad, bad, bad, and it effectively killed the franchise before it even got off the ground.

Lucky for 20th Century Fox, Dark Horse Comics knew better. Dark Horse has put out a ton of Alien and Predator comics, along with a huge number of Alien vs. Predator comics. The quality varies, as is to be expected, but Dark Horse's first two Aliens series (which depicted a grown-up Newt among other things) were ten times better than Alien 3 could ever have dreamed of becoming. In the gaming world, the three Alien vs. Predator games (the first two from Rebellion, the third from Monolith) are likewise high-quality.

A shame then, that the long-awaited Alien vs. Predator movie is such a forgettable trifle. The pure data on this film should set off some warnings by itself: this is a PG-13 film that clocks in at under 90 minutes long. That's right, Fox has succeeded in making a film that combines two excellent properties and still manages to last about as long as your average Disney animated film.

Now let's be clear here: AvP isn't a terrible movie. It's not, really! The problem is, that were this the pilot for a new television series, I could say that it got off to a rough start, but hey, it can only get better from here, right? But this isn't a pilot, it's a big-budget movie. My hopes that this would reinvigorate both franchises separately were dashed in an 80 minute music video of completely undeveloped characters.

I was reading, of all things, Wizard magazine the other day (it's for work, really...I swear), and I saw something that really stuck with me. I can't remember the context, but the author was pointing out that what's made several recent superhero movies so good is that the people making them weren't ashamed of the source material. Paul W.S. Anderson is clearly ashamed of the Alien and Predator franchises. Or if he's not, he seems to have come away with only the most cursory of understandings for what makes those movies (well, the good ones anyway) so good.

Here are just a few of the problems with this movie, aside from its length and rediculous rating:

• Problem #1: The aliens may as well have been Michael Myers. Looks, I'm not expecting character development among these things, but there's an established mythology behind these creatures that is never seen at all. Oh, and believe me when I say, the PG-13 chestburster scene is as stupid as it sounds.
  
  
• Problem #2: The predators never do any real hunting. Okay, so being set in a pyramid underneath Antarctica (don't ask) isn't the same as having a jungle (concrete or otherwise) to roam around in. But we're supposed to believe that these creatures are on some big hunt, when in fact there's absolutely no hunting being conducted whatsoever. Let's go ask Ted Nugent if he'd find being locked in a small room with a deer a satisfying hunt. After ducking the unbelievably powerful arrow shot from his compound bow, Ted would laugh, spit out some gristle and say that no, of course not. The whole point of a hunt is to actually hunt, you liberal twit. And you can't hunt if the animal has no place to hide.
  
  
• Problem #3: There's nothing for the fanboys. You want to tell me how on Earth you can make a movie that is basically a fanboy's wet dream without making it a movie any fan would actually want to see? This is probably the worst offense as far as I'm concerned. Freddy vs. Jason found its audience because it was basically just a big ol' fanboy love fest. This movie is not. I can't even begin to tell you how annoyed I was that they made an AvP film without once showing a PredAlien (SPOILER WARNING: actually, there is one hinted at at the very end of the movie, but we never actually see one).
  
  
• Problem #4: Who are all these people, anyway? This movie features a ton of characters at the beginning, who, rather than get slowly killed off one at a time, basically get mowed down in groups. The whole cast goes from about twenty humans to three in the blink of an eye, and then to two, and one before you know it. What a waste.
  
  
• Problem #5: Silly director, you don't kill the sympathetic characters! Okay, I'm going to spoil something here, so select the rest of this paragraph if you want to read it. At the beginning of the movie, we're introduced to a goofy, but affable character played by Ewen Bremmer, best known as the goofy-but-affable Spud from Trainspotting. The film goes out of its way to point out that he's a father of two boys, who he loves showing off to everyone. Then once the stuff hits the fan, him and another character have a pep talk about how since they're both fathers, they don't have the option of giving up. Which, you know, is all fine and good in that cinematic style, provided you don't actually kill them off. Idiots. No, I don't mean the characters, I mean the filmmakers, who clearly have never seen Hitchcock's Sabotage, which taught everyone (including the director!) the simple rule: you don't kill your most sympathetic character. Idiots.

I could go on, but there's really no point. The simple fact of the matter is that yet again, Fox has squandered a chance to reinvigorate both the Alien and Predator franchises. Quite simply, this is because they're ashamed of their fans. Rather than make a film like Spider-Man 2, X2, Blade, Freddy vs. Jason and so many others in recent memory, that managed to thrill its core audience and still appeal to the rest of the world, Fox has neutered its two best movie monsters. Bravo.

I didn't pay to see AvP...I had a free ticket that came with the Predator special edition DVD. But who am I kidding...I probably would have paid to see it anyway. Because I'm an idiot. But if Fox makes another one, I can't say if I'll bother. There are only so many times I can watch a great franchise churn out mediocrity before I finally just give up and move on with my life.

Posted by jason at August 24, 2004 11:50 PM | TrackBack | Read more: Movies , Reviews , Sci-Fi